written on September 24, 2014
I’ve spent most of the week thinking about what the surgery is going to be like. The more I think about it, the more freaky it’s becoming. This is going to be a major surgery, for both my wife and myself. We’re going to have full-on anesthesia and catheters and crazy stuff like that. We’ll be out for hours. Hours.
I have a friend who keeps telling me that for us the surgery will be easy, because we’ll be put to sleep and when we wake up everything will be done. It will feel like only a few minutes have passed for us but to anyone waiting it will have been long hours. Of course then my wife and I will have to deal with the pain and the healing, but we’ll be through the worst of it (we hope).
My positive attitude is flickering at the prospect. Don’t get me wrong – I want to do this. I want to go through with it – I definitely want a new pre-owned kidney. I’m ready to no longer be on hemodialysis. I’m also ready to feel “normal” again, without having to take a handful of pills every morning just to keep my blood pressure in check (let’s never forget the handful of pills I’ll be taking instead to keep my immune system in check).
The more I think about it, the more I realize it is a scary prospect to have this surgery. Isn’t any surgery scary? I can always think of worse surgeries though, so that’s something.
Fear often comes from the unknown. Before I started hemodialysis, I had been crazy afraid of it. It was the last thing I ever wanted to have happen to me. Well, here I am four months later, still breathing and still continuing to have my blood cleaned three times a week. Clearly there was nothing to fear here. I’m sure the surgery is the same way. Although the pain afterwards does give me a lot of cause for concern.
But I have to just remember that I’m not the first person to go through this, nor will I be the last.
And any fear I feel for myself is only doubled for my wife – we’ve heard that the pain she goes through is going to be so much more intense than anything I’ll deal with.
Clearly she loves me. Why else would she willingly put herself through this? Why would anyone?
A friend who donated her kidney to her brother told me the biggest problem post-surgery isn’t a physical issue. For her brother, who received a kidney, his biggest problem afterwards was being seen as the “victim.” Everyone considered my friend to be a “hero” because she saved her brother’s life by giving him a kidney, but her brother was very bothered by that. So she told me to watch out for that, to expect that I’ll be considered the “sufferer” when this is all over. I just laughed. I am the sufferer. I’ve been suffering for months now so I have no problem having people look at me that way. Nothing that I’ve done since my renal failure has in any way made me feel like I’m a hero.
In my opinion, the donors are definitely the heroes in any organ transplant situation. They’re willing to donate a part of themselves so someone else can continue to live. And in America, they do it voluntarily, because we don't allow people to pay for organ donations. They're putting their lives on the line to help someone else in need - heroes one and all.
And let’s not dismiss the doctors and nurses who make the transplant miracle happen every day. It’s really easy to forget that they’re the ones who make the magic happen. Without any of them pushing the boundaries of human knowledge, none of this would be possible.
So even though I’m scared at the idea of being cut open and having a kidney put inside me, I’m in good hands. Between my wife’s love and the knowledge and expertise of the Cedars team, I’m pretty sure I can go into this feeling fairly relaxed and comfortable. Now let’s just hope I remember that in a week and a half.