written July 19, 2014
Insomnia. That’s the word I should use when I can’t get to sleep at night. Although in my mind insomnia is waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. I guess both definitions are correct. Either way, insomnia sucks. And I’ve been suffering a lot of it the past two weeks.
It’s gotten to the point where going to sleep is no longer something I look forward to. The first few weeks after starting dialysis I looked forward to sleep every night, mostly because I was able to sleep 5 or 6 hours at a stretch, something I haven’t been able to do in over three years (end stage renal disease made me get up every 90 minutes to 2 hours to use the bathroom – not as big a problem now. Now it’s more like every 3 hours). I would sleep really well – it’s like my body knew it was an escape from the dialysis and the worry that accompanied it. Now, however, I can barely fall asleep at night. Then when I wake up to use the bathroom, usually between 12:30 and 1:30, I just can’t get back to sleep. I start itching all over (probably too much phosphorus in my blood – a typical side effect of renal failure), sometimes the restless legs syndrome drives me crazy, sometimes my brain just won’t shut off long enough for me to fall asleep. Whatever the reasons or causes, I dislike tremendously the laying in bed waiting to fall asleep.
The first time I can remember having insomnia was in eighth grade. I want to say it would have been around November ’87, but I could be remembering wrong. It lasted an entire week. But it was one of those insomnias where I could fall asleep just fine every night. Around 1:30 or 2 am, I would wake up and just be awake. No more tiredness, no more desire to sleep. I took it upon myself to go downstairs and turn on the television. After the third or fourth night, I put on “Conan the Barbarian” and fell asleep within the first half hour. The next night, when the insomnia struck again and it was starting to catch up to me, I put on Conan again and again fell asleep within half an hour. My friends used to tease me and say that proved how awful Conan was as a movie because it always put me to sleep. But the truth is, it was and still is one of my favorite films. What I discovered was the fact that it wasn’t the movie putting me to sleep, it was the music. One of the things I love about Conan is the music. Basil Poledouris did a tremendous job of creating what is, in my opinion, one of the best symphonic soundtracks I’ve ever heard. His music, regardless of what movie it is, just makes me relax. And clearly that week when I had insomnia, I needed to relax so I could get back to sleep.
Maybe that’s all I need to do now, relax so I can get back to sleep. Hopefully writing some things down here at Coffee Bean will help with that. As my acupuncturist used to say, you need to write down all the stuff that happens to you in a day before you go to bed at night. Because if you don’t give it an outlet, your brain will just keep mulling over it all night long. I do feel there’s a lot of truth to that. I should probably go back to writing in my journal, but in a lot of ways, this blog has taken over that responsibility. I just need to write at least an entry a day. That would be the most beneficial.
There have been other periods of insomnia for me, but nothing this long. I’m working on two weeks now. Maybe it’s just another side effect of all this crazy stuff that I’m going through. I hope so. I would love to be able to get a good night’s sleep again before the transplant surgery. But if I can’t, I hope that one of the benefits of getting a new “used” kidney will be a good night’s sleep. Although the first seven days in the hospital, that still won’t be possible. Hopefully wherever I end up after the hospital stay will give me the peace, quiet and relaxation to find out. Definitely something to look forward to.