started on October 1, 2014 and finished on October 3, 2014
Driving home from Cedars on Tuesday (after Pre-Op), the idea of feeling guilt after the surgery hit home. I think I finally understand it.
Until now, I’ve been laughing off the idea of feeling guilty about receiving my wife’s kidney. But after hearing about what she’s going to go through next week, and the weeks after, I’m starting to realize why guilt is a natural response.
I might feel guilty because I don’t feel like I deserve it. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve any of this. And I’m not talking about the renal failure or the dialysis or the side effects of the medications or anything like that (no one deserves any of this). I’m talking about the generosity and love and prayers of those who are offering these things. Who am I to to receive all of this?
There are a lot of people offering me their love and support, and other tangible offers of help, and I feel guilty about accepting any of it. Part of me feels like I’m becoming a burden to others. Why should so many want to spend so much time thinking of me and what I’m going through? And why do I have to put my wife and children through this horrible thing?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I want to continue on dialysis, and I’m definitely not advocating for the opposite of living. I’m so appreciative of all the kind words and prayers and offers of help. I have not been responding to the emails I’ve received mostly because I’m not sure what to say. Thank you would be a good way to start – and I need to be doing that. And I will do that. But for anyone who’s reading this who has sent me an email, know that I am so grateful to have you in my life. I feel that any words I may offer in appreciation will pale in comparison to all that you’ve done for me.
I am a person who finds it extremely difficult to accept help from others. Yet I am fighting myself over this right now – because now is when I need help. And I know it. Hopefully this is going to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience here and I’ll never have to ask for help of this magnitude again. But part of the guilt I feel is also knowing that I may never be able to repay the help I’m receiving.
I need to get over that, though. I don’t get the sense that anyone is offering help with strings attached. That’s something I’m creating in my own mind.
More important than the question of why did this happen to me is why does it have to impact my wife and family the way it is? My wife volunteered to be my donor, and my love for her has only grown knowing that she’s giving me a gift that I will never be able to return in kind. And there’s the guilt – I’ll never be able to repay it. She’s giving me something that can’t be returned. And she’s doing it out of love. What a selfless thing to do. And here I am, writing about me, me, me all the time.
Yet whatever selfishness I might feel about the topics of my blog entries, the truth is I need to keep writing these. These entries are my therapy right now, during a time when I definitely need some mental health. Something tells me they're going to be a bit more therapeutic in the coming week...
I don’t like feeling guilty, nor do I want to feel that way. Right now I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that after next week I’m going to be a different person, again. Meaning my life will never be the same after the transplant. I’ve had to adjust to life on dialysis over the summer, and I think I’ve done a good job of that (surprisingly, at least to myself) and I know I’ll adjust to life with a new kidney. But it will be a new life, make no mistake.
There will still be good days and there will most likely be bad days, there might be scary episodes where the thought of losing the kidney comes into play and there will be those days when I will be so thankful to not be on dialysis any longer. All of this will happen, but I’ll be taking some pretty strong medications for the rest of my life and I’ll be dealing with whatever side effects those drugs may bring. I really don’t like thinking about that. Thankfully it’s sidetracking the guilt issue.
I don’t want anyone to stop offering help or support or love or prayers. I need all of it, now more than ever.
I do deserve it – I deserve it because I’m me. I think you’re offering to help because I matter in some small way, or maybe even in some big way. Maybe I’ve touched your lives, or had an impact on someone you know, or maybe you just like the way I laugh (what’s not to love with my laugh?). Or maybe it’s because of my wife and kids. I’m glad my wife loves me so much that she’s willing to do something so amazing and wonderful for me. I know I’ll feel guilty for a while after the surgery just knowing what she’s about to go through as the donor. I’ll get over it eventually.
On the bright side, I look forward to the day when my wife and I can share with our kids the wonderful thing she did to help their daddy get back to a normal life. I’ll definitely be the first one to tell them the tale (or I’ll just give them all the blog entries I’ve written when they’re old enough to read… kidding!).
So, to sum up, thanks everyone. For being there for me and my wife and our family.
I love you all and I know I couldn’t make it through without you.