written on October 28, 2014
Woke up at 6:24 this morning with that dreaded urge to pee. Dreaded only because of the memories of pain from the last week. Luckily, there really hasn’t been that much pain since yesterday. Still some pressure (by that I mean, before I start peeing, there’s a build up of intensity in my lower abdomen), but easy to handle now.
Came back to bed and couldn’t get back to sleep. That means I had a little less than 6 hours of sleep last night. Nothing new. Had trouble falling asleep again (and watching the latest episode of Walking Dead starting at 11 pm didn’t help much – really great season so far though – that show continues to amaze me with how well-written it is).
I lay in bed thinking about the idea of 41. Turning 41 today and realizing how different my life is now. In a lot of good ways.
Last year, when I turned the big 4-0, there was the persistent worry about the health of my kidneys and the impending future of transplant surgery. I had a lot of fear and worry that there would be problems, that maybe I wouldn’t find a donor in time, that maybe I’d have to start dialysis, that it would be painful, that it would diminish any chance of having a successful transplant in the future (several doctors have told me that if you’re on dialysis for a while, sometimes it takes longer for your body to adjust to having a kidney again). All fears that in one way or another managed to come true this past year. Except for the problems part, and the diminishing ability of my body to accept a transplant (we've seen that my body has not had any problems with that!). So far so good on both of those fronts.
I didn’t like the idea of being in my forties – still so many things I feel I haven’t accomplished yet. I also usually feel like someone much younger – there are days when I still can’t believe I’m over 30. I know I look it – the gray hair will do that to most people. But I don’t feel like 41. I mean, what is 41 supposed to feel like? I feel like I have more life experience, more knowledge of the world around me. I definitely think I’m in a much better place now than I was ten years ago, or even fifteen years ago. Hopefully everyone in their forties feels that way. A wife and two kids have given me a much different outlook on life, and given me a different set of worries in my forties than I ever imagined when I was in my twenties or thirties.
There’s still a lot I want to do with my life. This new kidney has given me a new lease – 25 to life as I’ve been saying. As people have been telling me all summer, I’m still young. And I believe that – 41 is not old. Although when I was 25 it seemed like a lifetime away, and in my twenties any number in the forties felt like it would be “old.” I’m glad to say that now I’m here and it doesn’t feel old.
Part of that is definitely the new kidney. I can’t stop talking about how great things are now, how wonderful I feel about so many things. This whole process has been amazing – I’ve had a good amount of bad days, but I’m definitely seeing far more good days ahead. What a wonderful feeling that is.
To everyone who’s taken to Facebook or email to wish me a happy birthday today, thank you. I plan on making my forty-first year the best so far and the start of many, many more great years to come.